


Say Something (I'm Giving Up On You)

by xXQueenofDragonsXx



Series: Carl Grimes What-if's [4]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brother-Sister Relationships, Carl Grimes Lives, Carl Grimes Needs a Hug, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Carl Grimes, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Music, Judith is a good sister, Michonne is a good Mom, Mother-Son Relationship, POV Carl Grimes, POV Judith Grimes, Parent Michonne (Walking Dead), Sad Carl Grimes, Songfic, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, first chapter is pure angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:27:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28413144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xXQueenofDragonsXx/pseuds/xXQueenofDragonsXx
Summary: Carl goes to the fair with two rambunctious little siblings, an amused step-mother, his living wife, and at least a quarter of Alexandria. He comes back with two subdued siblings, a grieving step-mother, a few missing people among them... one of them being his wife.He ignores everyone else as they enter the walled community -- ignores Michonne's worried glances, Judith's devastated look, and RJ's confused one. Instead, Carl goes straight into their house. The one that his family had shared since they had first come to Alexandria -- and locks himself in his room.Michonne tries to get Carl to come out.He doesn't.Judith tries to get Carl to come out.He doesn't.RJ, as confused as he is about the situation, tries to get Carl to come out.He doesn't.---The Aftermath of Enid's death
Relationships: Carl Grimes & Judith Grimes, Carl Grimes & Michonne, Carl Grimes & RJ | Rick Junior (Walking Dead), Enid/Carl Grimes
Series: Carl Grimes What-if's [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2051814
Comments: 11
Kudos: 19





	1. Say Something

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AgentGreene](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentGreene/gifts).



* * *

**_Say something I'm giving up on you..._ **

**_I'll be the one if you want me to..._ **

**_Anywhere I would've followed you..._ **

**_Say something I'm giving up on you..._ **

* * *

Carl goes to the fair with two rambunctious little siblings, an amused step-mother, his living wife, and at least a quarter of Alexandria. He comes back with two subdued siblings, a grieving step-mother, a few missing people among them... one of them being his wife. 

He ignores everyone else as they enter the walled community -- ignores Michonne's worried glances, Judith's devastated look, and RJ's confused one. Instead, Carl goes straight into their house. The one that his family had shared since they had first come to Alexandria -- and locks himself in his room. 

Michonne tries to get Carl to come out.

He doesn't.

Judith tries to get Carl to come out.

He doesn't.

RJ, as confused as he is about the situation, tries to get Carl to come out.

He doesn't.

* * *

**_And I... am feeling so small..._ **

**_It was over my head..._ **

**_I know nothing at all..._ **

* * *

Carl feels like he's drowning. 

It's kind of funny, really. Because Carl had been in this place before, hasn't he? When his dad had died, when his mom had died... His mind just grows fuzzy, which makes it hard to think. His body becomes numb, his chest tightens to a near suffocating degree... it's like his own body doesn't even belong to him anymore. Like someone had just swooped in and taken all control from him. The feeling is familiar and painful, uncomfortably so -- and that only makes him sink lower and lower into his despair. The air keeps getting caught within his throat -- like a scream that just can't escape. And the thing is... he had gone through this before.

That only makes it worse.

Because at least then Carl had Enid there with him. He had been safe with the knowledge that no matter what he had been going through, his wife would be there to help. That she, the only person aside from Michonne who always knew just how Carl felt, who had sat with him and listened to him and held his shaking body when his emotions became near overwhelming. Who knew him better than he knows himself, and who didn't hate him for all the horrible things he'd done was safe and sound back at home, waiting for him. But now-

But now...

She isn't there, she wasn't there, and she would never be there again. 

_Carl feels like he's drowning._

* * *

**_And I... will stumble and fall..._ **

**_I'm still learning to love..._ **

**_Just starting to crawl..._ **

* * *

Another knock on the door. Another worried voice, another request, another plea for Carl to emerge from his room, another broken promise, and another fuck that Carl just can _not_ give. He closes his eye, hugs his legs closer to his chest, pulls the blankets tighter around him, buries his head into the pillows, scratches at his arms, and waits for whoever it is outside his door to just leave him the fuck alone. It doesn't matter if it was Michonne, Judith, or even RJ. Carl just isn't able to muster up enough energy to get up. 

"You need to come out," Michonne says from the other side of the door, "please, Carl. You can't stay in there forever. I know it hurts, it always will, but hiding in your room isn't going to do anything. It's only going to make things worse. Please... just open the door. Or at least eat something."

Carl doesn't respond, and if he finds a plate of food sitting outside the door later that day when he ventures out to use the restroom, he simply ignores it. 

His stomach twists and turns painfully, begging for food, but he can't bring himself to care.

"I miss you," Judith says from the other side of the door, "I miss seeing you. I miss playing with you, I miss training with you, I miss talking to you... can you please just come out? Just once? Please?"

Carl doesn't respond, and if he finds his old sheriff's hat along with a slightly bruised apple sitting outside the door later that day when he ventures out to use the restroom, he picks up the apple, ignores the hat, and goes back into his room. 

He eats the apple, but every bite tastes like ashes in his mouth. And if he throws the apple up later that night, his stomach unable to hold anything in it, that lies between him and God. 

If there even is one. 

"I'm scared," RJ says from the other side of the door, his little voice wobbling, "everyone is sad, but I dunno why. Mama is super-duper worried about you, but she's not saying why you won't come out. Are you sad too? I can help! Mama says my hugs can make anyone happy again! Carl..?"

Carl doesn't respond, and if he finds a slightly crumpled paper with their family doodled on it in crayon sitting outside the door later that day when he ventures out to use the restroom, he picks it up and brings it back inside. He pins it to the wall and finds himself staring at it blankly for a good two hours.

When the nightmares get bad later that night, Carl holds the picture to his chest and sobs -- quietly so as to not wake up the rest of his family. 

* * *

**_Say something I'm giving up on you..._ **

**_I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you..._ **

**_Anywhere I would've followed you..._ **

**_Say something I'm giving up on you..._ **

* * *

Michonne sits outside his door whenever she has the time. Like, actually sits outside it. She leans onto the door for hours on end and probably gets a stiff back from it, but she doesn't seem to care. She sits out there and just talks to him. Even if Carl doesn't say anything to her in return, even if he doesn't give her any kind of response, she just sits out there and keeps talking. 

"RJ lost a tooth today," she says one day -- Carl thinks it might have been a week and a half after they had gotten back, but he isn't sure, "he's pretty excited about it for some reason. I guess he thinks it means he's growing up, and he isn't wrong, I supposed." She lets out a hollow laugh. "I wish I could tell him about the tooth fairy, but if I did, I wouldn't even have anything to give him. I guess I could put a new toy under his pillow, what do you think?"

Carl doesn't say a word. Michonne doesn't seem to expect one.

"People are asking about you, you know," Michonne tells him, "I think some of them actually believe you're dead, not that they're saying anything about it." She pauses, and Carl hears her sigh. "I'm leaving in a few days." She says. "The Kingdom is falling apart. Ezekiel and Carol need help moving all of their people to Hilltop. And with how cold things are getting... they can't do it on their own."

For some reason, Carl isn't as surprised by this as he probably should be. After all, Carl remembers hearing one of the pipes breaking during the fair. He had offered to go and fix it. But when he had gone to go do that, he had found Henry there already working on it. _Need any help?_ Carl remembers asking, causing the blond teenager to look up.

_Nah, I'm good. Almost got it._ That's what Henry had said in return, and Carl remembers laughing and ruffling the younger boy's hair. Remembers calling out that if he needed anything, don't be afraid to ask. He remembers leaving and never seeing Henry's smiling face again. 

A horrible thought comes to mind.

Had the Whisperers grabbed Henry after he left?

If Carl had stayed to help, could he have possibly prevented Henry's head from being on that pike? Could he have saved Ezekiel and Carol the pain of losing yet another child? Or would they have grabbed him too? Would he have just been another head on a pike along with Enid and the rest?

He doesn't know, and that scares him.

He hears Michonne sigh again, breaking him away from his thoughts. "Please... Carl... just say something. Anything..." her voice cracks, and Carl feels his heart break a little more along with it, _"_ I know how much you're hurting right now, really. I've been there more times than I'd like to admit. But this... I just... please..." she makes a choked noise, " _Say something I'm giving up on you."_

Carl can hear the complete and utter defeat practically dripping from each and every word. He can almost feel the pain emitting from her. But despite the desperate pleading in her voice, Carl closes his eye and says nothing.

* * *

**_And I... will swallow my pride..._ **

**_You're the one that I love..._ **

**_And I'm saying goodbye..._ **

* * *

_It's not self-harm._

That's what Carl tells himself whenever he starts scratching at his arms until they bleed. What he tells himself when he slams himself into the walls and bedposts, causing large bruises to bloom onto his skin. It's what Carl tells himself whenever he tears clumps out of his hair that draws blood from his scalp, what Carl tells himself whenever he makes bloody scratches on his face, what Carl tells himself whenever he burns his fingers on the candles in the bathroom. 

_I'm not depressed._

That's what Carl tells himself whenever he stares down at the plate of food Michonne leaves out for him every morning when he debates whether or not he should just leave it there and go another day without eating. Others need it more than him, and he's gone longer without it. He would be fine. Though the idea of seeing Enid, and his dad, and his mom again was definitely tempting...

_I don't want to die._

That's what he tells himself whenever he finds himself staring up at the ceiling from his bed, debating whether or not his family would be better without him. They would be devastated, yes, but they didn't need him. He only was causing them more pain. They worried about him, and if he was gone, they wouldn't have to do that.

But then he thinks of RJ and his goofy little grin that appears whenever he shows Carl another one of his drawings. He thinks of Judith and her sassy remarks that she would give to the people of Alexandria whenever she felt like it, of Michonne and how much she's lost already. And lastly, he thinks of Enid and how much she would want him to continue going. She wouldn't want him to die, especially not because of her. 

_I don't want to die..._

Out of those three things he tells himself, he finds that only one of them is the truth.

* * *

**_Say something I'm giving up on you..._ **

**_And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you..._ **

**_And anywhere I would've followed you..._ **

**_Say something I'm giving up on you..._ **

* * *

_Carl Grimes is losing his mind._

He wonders if this is what his dad felt like when his mom first died. Like everything in the world had turned dull and gray, as if nothing mattered anymore. And while he knows that his parents hadn't had the best relationship in the end, Carl had known that they still had loved each other -- that losing his mom had been a loss that his dad hadn't been prepared for. 

He remembers how angry he had been when his dad first shut down the way he did. He remembers how... abandoned... how _hurt..._ he had felt. He had just lost his mom, but at the time, it felt like he had just lost his dad too. Carl wonders if this is how Judith is feeling right now. If she's angry at him for hiding away in his room like this. 

That thought almost convinces him to emerge from his room, but he can't muster up enough energy to actually get up.

_Carl Grimes is losing his mind._

* * *

**_Say something I'm giving up on you..._ **

* * *

There's a knock on his door.

Carl ignores it.

A minute passes by in silence, but then there's another knock.

"Carl?" He hears Judith call out from the other side of the door, "I have food..."

The mere mention of food reminds Carl of the painful churning in his stomach and the fiery drumming in his head. But he doesn't say a word. Maybe if he doesn't say anything, she'll go away. 

But he should have known better than to expect that -- Judith is stubborn. He hears her sigh, "It's rabbit soup... isn't that one of your favorites?"

It was.

Carl still can't bring himself to answer the door, though.

He starts rubbing one of the scratches on his arms, trying to soothe the itch that had sprouted there.

"I don't want it," he calls out finally, his voice hoarse and cracked. 

It's the first words he's spoken in two weeks, but that realization only makes Carl feel worse. 

**_Say something..._ **


	2. Promise Me

Judith Grimes sits crosslegged on the wood floor of her family's house in Alexandria -- despite how uncomfortable it may feel beneath her -- while absently fiddling with a loose piece of fabric in her torn jeans. She just sits there, staring blankly at the closed door that led into her big brother's room -- the room that Judith and RJ would often venture into whenever they had nightmares or when either of them just couldn't sleep. The one that the two of them associated with comfort, laughter, and safety -- the one that remained closed since they had first come back from the fair. Since Enid had...

Since she had...

Since...

Judith takes in a slow and shaky breath, trying desperately to will away the salty tears that are now threatening to fall from her eyes. Judith can't let them start to fall, though. If she does, she knows that they would never stop. Judith clenches her fists to fight the nearly overwhelming urge -- hard enough that her knuckles turn white. She digs her nails into the skin of her palms; hard enough to draw blood, but Judith finds that she can't bring herself to care -- the worry that is now whirling around within her is much too great to really care about a little bit of blood, even if it is her own.

A full two weeks since Enid's death and Carl hasn't emerged from his room. 

The moment that the Alexandrians had come back home, a few less with them than before, Carl had gone straight to his room, slammed the door, and now refuses to come out. The only times that Judith has seen him venture outside of it had been to go to the bathroom, but that was it. And the last time Judith had actually seen him do that had been four days ago, and it had only been a small glimpse. He refuses to go out of his room for anything else. Not even to eat. Her mom had been forced to start bringing food up for him, and even then, Carl hardly ate any of it. 

Her mom doesn't have to say it out loud, but Judith knows that she's worried about him. It's part of the reason why her mom had nearly refused to go to the Kingdom to help move the people there to Hilltop. But in the end, she had gone. She had left yesterday morning, in fact, having hugged both Judith and RJ close to her before she went, pressing kisses to each of their foreheads and whispering to Judith in a soft voice so no one else could hear: _make sure Carl eats._

That's why Judith is perched outside his room right now, actually. There's a bowl of rabbit soup sitting on the floor in front of her, leftovers from breakfast, and she is currently trying to work up enough courage to knock on the door and give it to her brother. It shouldn't be as hard as it is, but Judith hasn't had a single real conversation with Carl since the fair, and she has no idea how her big brother might react to her trying to help him. Their mother is one thing, but his little sister? Her brother is a proud person, so Judith knows he isn't going to take it well. 

But she has to do it eventually.

So, after a couple more minutes of just sitting there, Judith somehow manages to find the courage to climb back up to her feet, leaning down to pick up the bowl of soup right after. The bowl is warm against her palms but not nearly as hot as it had been an hour or two before. Still, food is food, and Carl needs to eat something. She walks forward until she is only a few inches away from the doorway, adjusting the bowl in her grasp so she can lift up a hand, preparing to knock. 

Judith hesitates, but only for a split second. She gently raps her knuckles against the door, quiet enough that it wouldn't disturb RJ playing downstairs, but loud enough that she knows Carl would hear it. Then, she just kind of stands there, waiting with bated breath for some sort of response. Judith hears the sound of blankets rustling, but that's it. A minute passes, and when Carl doesn't answer the door, Judith knocks again -- louder this time. 

"Carl?" Judith calls out softly, shifting her weight from foot to foot. "I have food..." no response, Judith sighs, "It's rabbit soup... isn't that one of your favorites?"

There's a beat of silence where Judith wonders if he's going to respond, but then-

"I don't want it." 

Judith is taken aback momentarily at the sound of her brother's voice. She hadn't actually expected he would say something. She had thought he would have just ignored her like he had been doing for the past two weeks. His voice is low and hoarse. Dry and cracked. It makes her wonder when the last time he'd spoken had been. She wouldn't be too surprised if it was back at the fair. Still, she finds herself frowning at his words.

"You haven't eaten anything for days, Carl," Judith points out, shoving down her frustration, "there is no way you aren't hungry." Judith has taken to setting small snacks out in front of the door for Carl to take, and usually, he takes them, but for the past three days, those snacks had gone untouched. It makes her worry.

"I said I don't want it, Judith. Just leave me alone." Carl's voice is a little louder now, hoarser too, and Judith can hear the annoyance in his tone. Annoyance at _her._

Judith feels a wave of determination swell up within her. "I'm not leaving until I see you eat this," she declares. The thing is, Judith knows that it's probably a childish thing to say, but Judith isn't going to let her brother wilt away in his room just because he refuses to eat anything. She already lost her dad and biological mother, so she isn't going to lose Carl too. Not when she knows she can do something to help. 

She can hear Carl let out a heavy sigh, "Judith... seriously? Did Mom put you up to this?"

"She did, but I would have done it even if she hadn't," Judith responds, and it's the truth too. She isn't going to let her brother just starve himself, "-and stop trying to change the subject," she adds after a moment, "-you are eating this soup, whether you like or not." 

"You're going to be waiting a long time," Carl says curtly.

"Fine then," Judith shoots back, her frustration getting the best of her, "go ahead and wallow in your despair. I don't care what you do. But I'm not going to let you starve yourself like this, not after everything that's happened."

No response.

Judith isn't even surprised. 

Not really sure what else to do, Judith turns around, pressing her back to the door and slowly sliding to the ground. She shifts around, careful not to spill any of the soup as she tries to get into at least a semi-comfortable position. Finally, she settles with placing the bowl of soup on the ground in front of her. Then, Judith tucks her legs to her chest and rests her chin on her knees. 

Judith doesn't really know how long she sits there for -- could have been a few minutes, maybe an hour -- but by the end of it, the silence begins to become suffocating. "I miss Enid too, you know," Judith says finally, breaking the silence. She stares down at the bowl in her lap, taking in a shaky breath and swallowing down the lump in her throat. "I miss a lot of people: Jesus, Tara, Henry, Dad... even my biological mom, even if I never got the chance to actually know her." She hears Carl inhale sharply, but that's the only reaction she gets.

Honestly, it's probably the only reaction she's gonna get.

"Is it weird?" She asks him next. "To miss people that I don't even remember?" 

Again, no response. 

Judith sighs, closing her eyes. "It's not just about our biological mom or our dad, though. Sometimes... I remember things... not a lot, but there are these... moments where I'm reminded of someone - but I don't know who." Judith pauses, struggling to find the right words. "Like this one time, I remember hearing Mom sing to RJ to get him to sleep, and for some reason... I thought of this girl-" she doesn't even know if Carl is listening at this point, but Judith continues talking anyway -- maybe because she's never talked about it to anyone before and it feels nice to finally do so, "-she had blonde hair, I think - blue eyes too. She sang a lot... she had a pretty voice."

There's the sound of Carl moving around on the other side of the door. She hears him walking closer to the door, and when Judith opens her eyes, she looks down and sees his shadow peeking out from under the crack. He doesn't say anything, though. Judith wishes he would. Him not saying anything makes her feel like she's just talking to herself at this point. And talking to herself makes her feel a bit crazy. 

Judith averts her gaze down to the bowl of soup sitting by her feet. "She looked young too, the girl. Maybe Lydia's age? I don't know... I once saw her wearing your hat once, though. She looked good in it..." Judith starts twirling a strand of hair around in her fingers, breathing shakily. "I know that I probably just imagined her... that my mind just made her up if that makes any sense... but I guess I just-"

That's when Carl chooses to interrupt her. "You didn't." 

Judith remains silent for a few seconds, startled at his interruption. "What?" She says finally, confusion pulsing through her.

"That girl," Carl clarifies, "you didn't imagine her. She is - or was - real."

"Really?" Judith breathes out, eyes going wide. "Did... did you know her?"

"Yeah, I did..." Carl says softly, and there's something sad about the way he says this. A raw grief that coats his every word, causing it to break. "Her name was Beth. She is... she was Maggie's sister. One of my friends too." Judith hears him take in a shaky breath, and it doesn't take long for her to realize why that is. 

"She's dead now, isn't she?" 

She hears Carl let out a hollow laugh. "She is," he tells her, and then he falls silent, but it's not for long. Because then he starts talking again, his voice both soft and wobbly. "She... she loved you, Judy. So goddamn much. She was almost always with you. She would bring you around the prison, would play with you, sing to you if you ever got upset... She loved you like you were her own daughter." Judith mulls over this information silently, a frown pulling at her lips as an image of the blonde girl -- Beth -- once more pops into her mind. Then, she feels angry. Angry at who, she has no idea. Just angry. 

Maybe Judith is angry at the world for taking yet another loved one away from her, or perhaps she's mad at whoever might have caused Beth's death, angry at those who never thought to mention Beth to her... Judith doesn't know. She just finds herself so fucking _pissed off._ Judith takes in a slow and shaky breath, pressing her forehead to her knees and closing her eyes as she tries desperately to regain control of her breathing. 

"What happened to her?" She finally manages to choke out after a few minutes. She doesn't actually expect a response, but when she hears Carl start to speak again, she finds herself listening very closely. 

"When the prison fell... she escaped with Daryl," he began, and Judith can practically see the thoughts racing in his head as he struggles for the right words, "I don't really know what happened... but somehow, she got kidnapped by this group of people who lived in a hospital." She hears Carl sigh. "When we went to go and get her, the woman who led the place... forgot what her name was... Dawn or some shit, obviously didn't want to let her go. We were making a trade, it was going well, but then things went to shit, and that _bitch_ ended up shooting Beth right in the head."

"What happened after?" Judith asks.

"Daryl killed Dawn," Carl says, "we left the hospital... never got the chance to bury Beth. There were walkers everywhere... and... Daryl had to hide her body in the trunk of a car. Then we left and... never looked back." The pain and guilt in Carl's voice makes Judith's heart clench, and she wants to say something... anything to possibly comfort him, but she doesn't know what. 

"It hadn't really occurred to me that you... that you would have remembered her," Carl continues, "Hell, I hadn't even realized that you had no idea who she was. If I had..." Carl trails off, and Judith can just imagine him running a hand through his hair like he did when he got anxious or something similar. "shit... there's probably so many people that you don't even know existed: Tyreese, Glenn, Shane, Hershel, Sasha, Olivia, Abraham..."

Carl's right. A lot of those names don't even ring a bell in Judith's mind. She knows who Glenn and Abraham are -- after spending so much time with Negan, it's hard _not_ to know who they are. She also recognizes the name Hershel, but she has a feeling it's not the same Hershel who often comes to mind when she hears that name. This realization causes Judith's frown to deepen. How many people have her family lost over the years? How many people are there that had cared for Judith as a baby, but she can't even remember?

"Can you tell me about them?" The words are out of Judith's mouth before she can stop them. 

Carl doesn't respond, and Judith feels her heart sink, believing that was the end of their conversation. But then there's the sound of a lock clicking, and Judith scrambles backward in surprise as the door creaks open. She nearly knocks the bowl of soup over, but she grabs it at the last second, looking up right as Carl pokes his head through the doorway. Momentarily, Judith is taken by surprise by how... horrible her brother looks. His face is pale and gaunt, and dark bags had formed under his remaining eye. His hair is matted and tangled, but Judith's attention is drawn mainly to the various scratch-marks covering the side of Carl's face and neck. Judith tries not to shudder as the implications shoot through her. _Did he do that to himself?_ Before Enid's death, Judith never thought her brother would purposely harm himself, but now... Judith hates how probable that possibility is. 

"Wow," Judith says after a moment, blinking slowly, "you look like shit." 

Carl snorts, and the ghost of a smile appears on his face. "Haven't exactly cared much about my appearance in the past two weeks." Carl looks over Judith's shoulder and at the staircase, seemingly mulling something over before nodding slowly. He looks back at Judith. "Do you want to hear about them?"

After a second, Judith nods. "But you need to eat this first." Judith holds up the bowl of soup, and Carl lets out yet another heavy sigh. 

"Judy..." he tries, but he trails off as Judith climbs up to her feet, sending her big brother a harsh glare -- daring him to try and protest. "Fine... I'll eat the fucking soup."

"Language," Judith pipes up. A habit that she's picked up after spending so much time with Negan over the past few years. Speaking of which, she has a nagging feeling that Carl already knew about those little talks she had with the former Savior but, for some reason, had never said a word about them to their mom or anyone else. 

Carl gives her a look. "Says the one who literally just told me that I look like shit less than a minute ago."

Judith shrugs, and Carl opens the door a little wider, allowing Judith to enter his room. She glances around, frowning at the mess of blankets and sheets scattered on the bed. There's the faint, metallic scent of blood that lingers in the air, one that causes Judith to glance up at her brother as he's closing the door. He refuses to meet her gaze, instead moving past her to take a seat on the bed.

Judith, after a second's hesitation, went to sit beside him. Wordlessly, she makes a small gesture with her head toward the bowl of soup in her hands, and Carl's face twists into a grimace. But he doesn't say a word to protest, just reaching and carefully taking the bowl from her. As he lifts the food from her hands, Judith's eyes are drawn to the large bruises on his arms and then to his fingertips, which she realizes with great horror are both burned and bloody. 

"How long have you been doing that?" Judith asks, and Carl flinches, using the plastic spoon Judith had put into the bowl to swirl the soup around. He avoids her gaze, bringing the bowl to his face instead and taking a long sip. When he brings it back down, he just shakes his head, his hair falling in front of his face.

"Don't know, really," he admits, "please... just... don't mention it to anyone." 

Judith just stares at him. "Carl, this is serious stuff."

"I know! Okay?! I just..." Carl shakes his head again, his face suddenly looking unsure. "I won't do it again. Just don't tell Mom... or Daryl or Siddiq or _anyone."_ He takes another sip of the soup, and when he brings it back down, he finally looks over at Judith. "I thought you wanted to hear more about our old group?"

Judith knows that he's trying to change the subject, and she knows that she probably shouldn't let him for many different reasons. But this is the longest that Judith has spent time with him in what felt like forever, and a large part of her knows that Carl might just kick her out of his room if she tries bringing it up again. And if he does that, then chances are he's just going to go back to hiding away in his room without saying a single word to any of them. 

Judith doesn't want that.

She wants things to go back to the way they had been before the Whisperers appeared -- she wants them to be happy. She wants Carl to be okay again -- Judith just wants her and RJ's big brother back. She wants the brother who would give her and RJ piggy-back rides all throughout Alexandria. Judith wants the brother who would play with them and joke around with them -- Judith wants the brother who would tease them but comfort them whenever they were in a bad mood. 

She wants to help him, but she doesn't know _how._

"Then tell me about them," Judith says softly, crossing her arms. Carl stares at her for a long few moments before sighing.

* * *

He tells her about Beth Greene, who had the prettiest voice and kindest smile. He tells her about Tyreese, who had saved Judith's life after the prison and had cared for her when no one else was able to. Carl tells her about Hershel Greene, Beth and Maggie's father and Hershel Rhee's grandfather -- who had saved Carl's life and had treated him like he was his own grandson. Carl tells her about Glenn Rhee, who always had a joke of some kind to lift spirits, who would ruffle Carl's hair and make faces at Judith when she was a baby to make her laugh. 

Carl tells her about Shane Walsh, his godfather, who is the main reason that Carl and their mom had made it to the quarry camp in the first place. He tells her about Sasha, the sister of Tyreese, who had lost so much but still tried to do what was right. He tells her about Sophia Peletier, who had gotten lost in the woods and lost her life long before she should have. Carl tells her about countless other people, ones who died much too early. Ones who didn't deserve to die, and ones who died to save the rest. Carl tells her about them all, and Judith listens very carefully. 

Judith can hear the way his voice breaks whenever he talks about those who had been very close to him. She can see him struggling to fight back his tears when he gets to how each of them died. And when he's finished, Judith squeezes his hand. She hears him take in a shaky breath, and after a couple painfully long minutes of silence, she hears him start to speak.

"I'm sorry..." he says slowly, refusing to meet her gaze, "for... for shutting you guys out like I did. It wasn't right. You all were grieving too, and I... I only made it worse." 

"You don't need to apologize," Judith says after a moment, "I miss her too."

Carl nods. "I still can't believe she's gone..." he chokes out, "I keep waking up, rolling over, and I keep expecting to just see her there beside me... But then I realize the bed is empty, and then I remember-" Carl closes his eye, unable to continue. The raw pain that had been in her brother's voice causes Judith's heart to ache, and she leans into his side, trying to offer him some kind of comfort. It's kind of weird, really -- being the one to do the comforting. Usually, it's Carl or their mom doing that whenever one of them are upset, but the tables have turned now, and Judith's going to do her best to help. Even if she has no idea how to do that.

"I think I understand how Maggie felt when we decided to keep Negan alive..." Carl says quietly -- quiet enough that Judith almost misses it entirely. "The idea that Alpha is out there -- _alive --_ after what she did..." Carl exhales slowly, and Judith can practically feel the rage emitting from his body in waves, "I want to see her _suffer._ I want her to regret ever existing. I want her to _die."_ Before Enid, Carl wouldn't have dared say something like this in front of either her or RJ. She knows this. But somehow, that makes Carl's rage even more real. 

Judith is quiet for a little bit. Then, she looks up at her brother. "Can you promise me something?" Judith whispers suddenly, making Carl's face twist into a curious expression as he turns to stare down at her.

“Yes, Judy?” 

"Don't... don't try to go after her..." Judith blurts out, "Alpha, I mean," Carl's eye narrows, and he opens his mouth to speak, but Judith cuts him off. "I know you want to, and I don't blame you for wanting that, but if you go after her... she'll kill you. I... I can't..." Judith squeezes her eyes shut, ducking her head and taking in a ragged breath as she tries to fight back the tears threatening to fall. "I can't lose anyone else... especially you..." Judith lifts her head, looking up at Carl through teary eyes. "Please don't leave me alone." 

Carl is silent for a few moments, and Judith doesn’t have to see his face to know that she had taken him by surprise. Slowly, Carl turns his head to look at her, his one blue eye staring into her hazel ones. Carefully, Carl reaches out, wrapping an arm around Judith’s shoulder and pulling her into his side. Judith lets him do it without protest, and she relishes in the warmth and comfort being back in her older brother’s hold provided. She had almost forgotten how much she had missed his hugs.

Carl absently combs his fingers through Judith’s hair, letting out a soft sigh before smiling down at her. He leans down, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

_“I won’t.”_


	3. Snowball Fight!

Michonne doesn't really know what she expects when she enters the gates of Alexandria for the first time in two months after helping the people of Kingdom get to Hilltop -- she had assumed that Judith and RJ would be there to greet her. Michonne had thought that she would see snow covering the rooftops and ground as families reunite all around them, and while she does see those things, she also doesn't expect to get smacked in the face with a snowball right after pulling her daughter into a hug. 

Michonne splutters almost instantly, shaking her head and stumbling back, shock marring her features. She whips her head around, looking for the offender, but before she can, another snowball hits her, this time in the back. She gasps, whirling around to see Daryl standing there, a somewhat sheepish grin on his face. Michonne's eyes narrow dangerously, and she looks down at Judith -- who has a look of mischief glittering in her eyes -- before glancing right back up at Daryl.

"Oh, you're going to regret that, Dixon!" Immediately, Michonne swoops down, picking up a large pile of snow and tossing it in the archer's direction. Daryl swears and dodges it before sending another snowball flying in Michonne's direction. She ducks to avoid it and runs toward him, picking up and throwing a snowball at him, managing to hit her target right on the head. Judith follows in suit, sending her own snowball speeding into her uncle's back before he can recover from the first one.

In seconds, Alexandria is in chaos. But not a dangerous kind. Snowballs are being tossed left and right, sometimes hitting their targets and most times missing, and Michonne soon finds herself soaked to the bone -- the cold seeping in through her winter clothes. But she soon discovers that she doesn't even care. It's been so long since she's smiled like this, and the happiness and laughter surrounding them all is infectious. In the corner of her eye, she can even see Lydia -- who had spent most of their trip sullen and angry and grieving Henry's death -- laughing as RJ, Gracie, and Judith tackles her into the ground, shoving a cold pile of snow into the teen's face. 

Soon enough, Michonne finds herself teaming up with Daryl and Aaron while Judith, Gracie, RJ, Lydia, and a few other kids throw snowballs at them from various hiding spots around the place. Michonne laughs as Gracie manages to toss a pile of snow right into her father's face, causing the man to stumble back, falling onto his ass into a large clump of snow. Then, she feels a snowball slam into her shoulder, and she whips around, automatically picking up a snowball to throw at her 'attacker.' 

It takes her a moment to spot him, but when she does, Michonne feels the disbelief swirling inside of her like a blizzard. _How can that be?_ She lowers her arm, letting the snowball she had been preparing to throw drop to the ground. There, standing near the outskirts of the fight, a familiar mop of brown hair has his arm pulled back before he hurls a snowball in Lydia's direction. It's Carl -- he has a gigantic smile on his face, and Michonne watches, stunned, as he runs to the side, lifting a giggling Gracie up and helping her perch onto a nearby tree for a better view of the snowball fight going on around them. 

_Carl..?_

As if he can sense her gaze, Carl turns suddenly, his one blue eye locking onto Michonne's brown ones. As soon as he realizes who he's staring at, the merriment and laughter on his face shifts into something more solemn. Michonne hardly notices. Instead, she makes a bee-line toward him, jogging so she can reach him faster. 

Carl looks like he wants to be anywhere but here as she approaches. He just shuffles from foot to foot -- something he often does when nervous -- as she draws closer and closer to him. He sighs, starting to walk away from the snowball fight and then pausing as Michonne pulls to a stop in front of him. Carl refuses to meet her gaze, instead shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket -- it's one of Rick's old ones, she realizes absentmindedly. 

"Mom, I'm-" whatever words he may have been about to say are cut off as Michonne pulls her step-son into a tight hug, pressing her nose into his hair as she resists the urge to cry. 

"I missed you so much," Michonne chokes out, not bothering to try and stop the tears that are now threatening to fall from her eyes. She pulls back from the hug, cupping Carl's face in her hands and studying him hurriedly. He looks much thinner than the last time she's seen him, but the terrifying blankness in his eye that had been there ever since Enid's death had disappeared completely. Before she has a chance to feel relieved about this, Michonne's eyes are drawn to the various pale-ish scratch marks that go down his face and neck. They don't look new, and they look just about healed too, but still, those hadn't been there before. 

A horrible thought comes to mind.

"Did you do this to yourself?" Michonne whispers before she can stop herself, praying with every fiber of her being that he would say no. And while Carl doesn't say a word, the look of guilt and shame on his face says enough. Michonne feels her heart break a little bit more, rubbing her thumb over one of the marks before taking in a shuddering breath. "Oh... honey."

"I'm... I'm sorry..." Carl stammers out, and Michonne immediately starts shaking her head, pulling Carl into another hug. She combs her fingers through his hair in a way that always seemed to calm him, and she feels him begin to shake in her arms, hands grasping at Michonne's jacket as he buries his face into her neck. 

"Don't be sorry, Carl. This isn't... none of this is your fault." She whispers hoarsely, glancing up at the snowball fight still going on around them. She spots Judith and RJ tackling Daryl to the ground before turning back to Carl, grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him in the direction of their house. Once the two of them reach the porch, Michonne stops and turns back to Carl.

Carl has a look of uncertainty on his face as she faces him. "You're... you're not mad?" He asks softly, and the vulnerability and fear in his voice suddenly reminds her of the thirteen-year-old boy he had been when they had met. As she looks at Carl now, she finds that she can still see a little bit of that child in him. This only makes Michonne's heart break even more.

"I'm just happy you came out of your room," Michonne assures him, "you scared me so much... I-" Michonne closes her eyes, taking in a deep breath as she reaches up a hand to wipe away the tears falling from her eyes. "When... when was the last time you..?"

"A day before you left," Carl tells her, shrugging. He starts fidgeting with the fabric of his jacket, continuing on nervously. "Judith... she... uh... got me to come out of my room sometime after you left. Said something about not moving from the door unless I ate something-" Michonne snorts, knowing that's something her daughter would do, and Carl's lips twitch up into a faint smile, "-she saw the scratches and shit... insisted I go see Siddiq. He patched me up, said they wouldn't scar as long as I don't pick at them."

Michonne nods, a wave of gratitude for Alexandria's doctor washing over her, "and how are you feeling about... about Enid?" She almost doesn't ask this, but she needs to know. She remembers how horribly she had felt after Rick's death, and she needs to know where exactly Carl is at this moment. 

As expected, the smile falls entirely from Carl's face, but when Michonne opens her mouth to try and apologize, Carl starts to speak: "I don't... it... it still hurts," he admits quietly, "it's still fresh... but I don't feel as... as..." Carl trails off, eyebrows furrowing as he struggles to find the right words, "I dunno... empty? I guess..."

Michonne reaches out to take Carl's hand, giving it a small squeeze. "It's going to feel that way for a while, trust me, I know. But... I want to help you, Carl. Please let me do that."

"I'm not going to hurt myself again," Carl says immediately, "I wasn't thinking when I did that, so you don't have to worry about-"

"Carl," Michonne says sternly, and her son falls silent instantly, "that's not the only thing I'm talking about," at Carl's curious look, she continues, "you can't shut us out again. You can't lock yourself away in your room like that. I understand that you will want to be alone sometimes, and you're allowed to be, but-"

Carl shakes his head, "Mom, I know, Judith's already made me promise not to do any of that again. I never realized she could be so scary." At the mention of his sister, Carl's lips twitch into the smallest of smiles, and Michonne soon finds herself smiling too.

"She is your sister," Michonne reminds him, "of course she's going to be scary."

Carl snorts, "Oh god, that makes me worry about what RJ is going to be like in the future."

Michonne laughs but soon begins shaking her head, "I'm sorry, Carl, but have you met RJ? He literally starts to cry if he steps on an _ant_ of all things."

"True," Carl says with a grin. He then glances back toward where the snowball fight is going on, and his face twists into an unsure expression, "do you think we should head back?"

"Yeah," Michonne says, eyes glittering in amusement. The thing is, she knows that she and Carl will be having another talk later. She has a feeling that her son knows that as well, but right now, the fact that Carl is out and about means so much to her. "Knowing Judith, she probably is forming some kind of ambush on Daryl or Aaron. Last I checked, she was forming a mini-army with Gracie, RJ, and Lydia." 

"God save us all," Carl grumbles, but the way that he's obviously fighting back a grin tells Michonne that he's just as amused by the situation as she is. He turns around, starting to head back in the direction of the snowball fight, and before Michonne can stop herself, she leans over, scooping up a large pile of snow. 

"Hey, Carl," Michonne calls out.

"What?" Carl turns back to look at her, eyebrows furrowing in confusion, only to be greeted by a snowball to the face. 

"Mom!" Carl cries out indignantly, and Michonne immediately bursts into a fit of laughter, doubling over as Carl starts rapidly wiping the snow off his face. 

Carl just stares at her for a few long moments before grinning. "Oh, it is so on!" In one swift movement, he swoops down, picking up his own pile of snow. He tosses it at Michonne, who ducks away at the last second before sprinting off toward the gates where the even bigger snowball fight is happening. She hears Carl begin to give chase, and she lets out a startled laugh as a snowball smacks right into the ground beside her, missing Michonne by inches. 

"Fuck!" Carl swears loudly from behind her. "Mom! Get back here!" 

**Author's Note:**

> Wasn't originally planning on making this is as angsty as it is, but oh well. 
> 
> The next two chapters should be a little happier.


End file.
